“Clean Your Room”

That title. Yeah, I didn’t write that to be silly, nor did I intend it to be some sort of metaphor. I am literally telling you to clean your room. 

I’d say I’m projecting (and a week ago, I would have definitely been projecting) but I just got the deed done this week, as well as the rest of my house. It’s still not the best (miscellaneous kitchen drawers are a goldmine of bullcrap) but it’s at least presentable. It’s at least at a spot where I can rescue focus from chaos. That’s really the point of this little op-ed here.

I deal with depression. I’ve dealt with it since before I even knew that was a word. I have been very lucky to have found a therapist and a psychiatrist that help me find a system that works for me; that helps me fight off that voice in the back of my head that says, “STAY DOWN”. However, those fights aren’t always guaranteed wins. Sometimes the voice wins, and for a brief period, you’re trapped in a body that only desires one thing: consumption. Whether that be food, scrolling an app, bad television, et cetera. You’re only good for taking, not giving. Not placing things in order.

After a while, your space begins to reflect this method of living. “The depression pit,” some call it. Now the depression isn’t just a feeling, it’s a totem, and it’s one you can’t get away from. After a while, all the plans you had, the guests you wanted over, the work you wanted to get done, it all comes last behind the mess. It’s also a battle that needs fighting. It’s not always a fight that can be done alone, of course. Sometimes, you’ll be offered help by people that love you, and you’ll want to shun them away in an act of shame. You won’t want them seeing you like that, you’ll say, or my personal favorite, “I want to keep some things private”. A reasonable and natural response, but there’s no shame in backup; especially from people that only want to see you be your best self.

Now, at this point of the post, it may seem like I’m rambling a bit, and in a way, I am. However, I’m proud to be able to do that, because I was in that depression pit for three months and counting, due to running out of meds in that time, and not being able to refill them for at least a few more weeks. As a result, it took me a longer-than-expected while to get accustomed to the mechanics of KSSU and really getting to work with a place that I believe will help open many doors for me. I ended up relapsing back into “stay down” mode. I felt horrible, but I know what I want, and I’m not going to get it by being on the floor, and so, I rose. I shifted furniture. I bagged up clothes I knew I’d never wear again. I cleaned up dishes that have been yearning for a sponge’s touch. My apartment began to feel nice. I began to feel nice. More importantly, I began to feel focused; and because of that, I now have the proper amount of focus necessary to write what is to be the first of many blog posts for KSSU’s website. 

If you’ve read this far, I’m guessing you’re in a similar boat, especially if you’re a student. I’ve been there. It’s rough having all these new responsibilities and feeling like you weren’t properly prepared to handle them all at once. Despite that feeling, you are capable of accomplishing so much. The fact that you’ve made it this far is only a fraction of the potential your life holds for you. Do not get me wrong: there will be times where confidence topples, and the “stay down” voice keeps you down. The important thing is rising back up, looking out your window, and facing head-on all the obstacles that stand in the way of the future of your dreams. Until then, start from step 1. Clean your room. 

DJ HoneycombKeith hosts The Winter Sidewalk, which airs Wednesdays from 4 – 5 pm on KSSU.